To my brave husband,
This post is dedicated to you from the bottom of my heart on father’s day.
I can’t imagine what it feels like for you to be a father, without a father, on father’s day. When I think about it for even a split second, my heart aches with the most excruciating pain. How do you comprehend the loss of a parent when you yourself are so young. When you still need your dad. When you rely on your dad. When your dad is amongst your very best of friends. I know you haven’t found it easy adjusting to this new life that we’ve all been thrown into, but everyday you have still got out of bed and made it through another 24 hours. I might not say it often enough, but I am very proud of you. You put on such a brave face when we are out. You smile. You laugh. You continue to remain the life and soul when deep inside I know you are struggling to come to terms with the loss of our hero more and more as time passes. Please know that I will always do my upmost to keep supporting you as best I can, and that I am here for you to lean on for as long as you need.
I may not have shared this with you, but one of the reasons I married you is the love you have for family. You treat my family like they are your own, and in turn they simply adore you. When dad became ill, you didn’t hesitate to leave our home to become his carer and a much needed rock for your mum and sister. As your wife I missed you deeply, and I found it hard leaving you at night to come home, but what sort of wife would I be if I didn’t support you during your darkest days. I also want to thank you for supporting me in making sure our son never suffered during this time. When we decided to bring life into this world, we made a pact to always ensure our child’s life stayed as comfortable as possible, and protect him from the realities of what life may bring. This was really put to the test whilst dad was ill, and we made a joint decision that it wasn’t fair on Virràe to uproot his life and for him to be surrounded by the whirlwind of emotions we all had as we were coming to terms with dads illness. Instead of understanding that husband and wife were living apart in order to continue caring for two equally loved people, our dad and our son, we both know many people chose instead to pass judgement. As our world shattered in slow motion around us, we stayed strong, united and unbreakable at a time when we could have let them come right between us. We really put the vow ‘for better for worse’ into practice and for that you have every ounce of respect within me.
As we came to understand that cancer was winning it’s battle with dad, he began detaching himself from all of us. All of us except you. I know it was his way of trying to make it easier for the three women in his life, by creating distance to help us let go, but with you he simply couldn’t do it, he couldn’t let go. The night before he left us, it was you that dad was dreaming of, it was you that dad was calling out for. He knew he could ask anything of you and that you would carry out his wishes to the highest of standards. Dad was so proud to call you his son and you made his final weeks so comfortable by being completely and utterly selfless. I will love you eternally for being this man.
When dad left us, it was you and I that realised he had stopped breathing. It was just me, you and dad, and I truly believe that was his way of passing on his crown to you. His way of saying that he knew he could count on you to continue his name. The way you conducted yourself at the toughest point in your life to date was beautiful. You stayed composed beyond belief and I was in absolute awe of you. In case I haven’t told you recently, I still am. In the weeks that followed, you really held yourself together when you could easily have fallen apart. I often put myself in your shoes, and I don’t think I would have coped half as well as you did. When thoughtless people stirred up trouble for our family unit, you stood tall and spoke up without hesitation, despite the emotional turmoil you were in. Overnight you turned from a boy to a man.
As we watch our son change and develop with each new day, I know your heart wishes dad could be there in person to experience it all with us. I wish I could bring him back as much as I could fix this hole in your heart, but sadly, the things we want the most in life are often out of our control. I hope this letter goes a little way in showing how deeply I love you, how incredibly proud I am of you, and how I have every faith that you will continue to do your dad proud.
Happy Father’s Day to a wonderful daddy who is so much like his own.
With all my love,
Your Wife. x