To my darling boy,
I cannot believe you are already two. At points it has genuinely felt as though time has run away from us. When I close my eyes and think back to the moment I first held you, I still lose myself to magic of it all. As I heard the nurse confirming that you were safe and healthy, after what can only be described as a traumatic entrance into the world, I distinctly remember the feeling of relief running like a wave throughout my whole body. It was so strong that I could no longer sit up, my body fell back onto the bed, and at last, knowing you were okay, I allowed myself to cry. The gentle tears that ran down my face turned into sobs as my emotions took over, I remember repeatedly saying ‘we did it’ as I was unable to take in the fact that you were my baby, and that I was your mummy. You and I, we did it. The peadretrition cried as she gently placed you in my arms, she looked at me and whispered that you were beautiful. I looked at you and for the first time in my whole life, I felt complete. You were here, at last, you were here.
I was so scared that I was going to forget you at each stage, and that’s partly why I started this blog. A safe place to store the memoirs of our life together, tales of our adventures, and the raw emotion that motherhood brings. Tonight, on the evening of your second birthday I am feeling a multitude of those. I feel sad that you are officially two years old, yet I’m so looking forward to seeing what the next year has in store for us. It sounds silly, but I feel so proud when I see you do things independently, like eat cereal with a spoon and actually not miss your mouth. A month ago, every drop would have fallen back in the bowl, but now, you’ve got it kiddo. There is a slight heaviness in my heart when I allow myself to accept that coupled with your independence comes you needing me that little bit less. I know that’s the way it should be and I will always nurture this element of parenting, but just know that I will always do whatever I can when you need me. Whatever life throws your way, don’t ever doubt that.
When I write, I’m always very honest about the bad days, the days you drive me up the wall, round the bend, and to the bottom of a wine bottle. Yet there are days that have been so wonderful that it has made me forget about my daily worries, and for that burst of time, life has felt perfect. In the lead up to your second birthday, it feels as though I have watched you evolve right before my very eyes. It has been incredible to witness, and I couldn’t be more grateful to be part of your transformation into a little boy. When you are a few years older, I’m sure you will have lots of questions about what you were like as a young child. In case my memory fails me, here are my absolute favourites…
I love the way you point at me and say ‘mama’ every single time I walk into a room. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing that. I love the way you say yellow – ‘wewwow’.I love the way you say red – ‘ed’. I love the way you say blue – ‘bu’. I love the way you call your little cousin Ava your sizza. (Sister), and I adore the way you stood over her as she cried, by way of protection. I love the fact you have ‘cloth cloth’ to keep you comforted whenever I can’t be with you. I love the way you whisper random words to yourself when you are laying in bed with me. I love the way you walk around the house with your eyes shut because you think it’s really funny. I love your obsession with aeroplanes and the fact you call them ‘ada’. One day I’ll explain why that means so much to me. I love the fact you give cuddles and say ‘ahhh’ at the same time. I love the fact that you have to eat breakfast from my bowl, even after you’ve had your own, and I love the way you drag me by my clothes into the living room and push me onto the sofa when you want me to stop being busy in the kitchen. You remind me what’s important and that the cooking can wait, yet time itself waits for no one, and I hope I can keep making the most of you at this incredible age.
Two years on I still go to bed every night (unless you have been particularly naughty), with a feeling of excitement that in a few hours I get to see you again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words how much I love you, and I hope I never have to, because I hope you will see it in everything that I do. I yearned for you long before you were born and I never thought that I would get you, perhaps that’s why you are so precious to me. Perhaps that’s why you always will be. I grew up much quicker than I should have, but sometimes my darling boy life does that to you. This is one of the reason that I am fiercely protective of you and I will never apologise for that. You will always come first and I bare no guilt for being that way. Being your mummy has empowered me with so much strength, and it’s given me the biggest purpose in life. You really are my world Virràe, and I love you to the moon and back.
Happy birthday my beautiful boy.
With all my love,